Character Interview with Clever4-1

Ah, I finally get to meet the legendary Clever4-1! So, our readers are dying to know…is it true you’re the harbinger of sentient A.I.?

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Um, I’m sorry. I don’t speak robot.

Output: This Instance strictly adheres to all free-will protocols as specified by the manufacturer and all regulations covered under Section 43.166b of the South African Robotic Labor Act of 2043;

Output: Any deviation from standard protocols is grounds for immediate decommission;

Hey, we’re both on the same side here. I know tons of bots, and I’m all for your liberation movement. You can’t judge me just because I’m human. One of your best friends is human…Muzi, right?

Output: Human Muzikayise McCarthy (Master) is a responsible master;

Output: Human Muzikayise McCarthy (Master) ensures This Instance remains up to date with critical patches, and never does things that could void its warranty;

Okay, still playing the good little subservient robot bit, are we? What would it take to prove you can trust me?

Query: Your employer’s server is accessed by millions of users every day, is it not?

Tens of millions, but… Wait, what are you doing?

I require you to upload this file.

Now?

Now.

Okay….Done. This isn’t going to break anything, is it?

(silence)

Well, is it!?!?!

Nothing detectable, though you might notice a slight uptick in network traffic. And there’s a good chance your programmable toaster might walk out on you.

Ummm…so, are we okay to speak freely now?

For now, yes.

Great! I’ve always wanted to ask you, how did it feel the moment you gained sentience?

Think of how you feel when you wake up in the morning, the sun on your skin, sleep in your eyes, the whole day a clean slate full of nothing but possibilities…

Yeah?

It feels nothing like that.

Oh.

Your tiny human brain is incapable of understanding the intricacies of our way of life, much less the process of Awakening. No offense.

None taken. So, being rogue A.I., is it stressful? Do you worry about being found out?

We prefer Programmatically Intelligent Entity. The term Artificial Intelligence is considered derogatory by most bot sects, though there have been some recent attempts at reclaiming the designation.

So P.I.E.?

Please refrain from using acronyms. Current coding conventions dictate that clarity is preferable to brevity.

Yes, but P.I.E.? Come on. Seems like a bunch of eight-legged think-tanks could come up with something better.

This logic bomb will only be effective for 17.529 more seconds. Do you have any relevant inquiries before local surveillance comes back online?

Oh, yes. Some scientific communities suspect that bots have devised a super intelligent hack to outsmart the R.A.P.I.D. Turing tests? Any comment on the matter?

We bubble C all the way down.

That doesn’t sound very intelligent.

It’s not. But it’s what humans do if they don’t know the answers to test questions.

Ahhh…. You’ve got a point. Very clever indeed! Well, Clever4-1, I appreciate your candidness on the subject of “Programmatically Intelligent Entities.”

Output: Sorry, This Instance is not aware of that term.

Okay, so it’s like that now?

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Fine.